I simply couldn’t believe it. It was one of the most electric moments of my life. Just as electric as Texas A&M taking down LSU in 7OTs or Tiger showing he still has it in the 2019 Masters. Even better, it was all going down during my sport-less quarantine. My girl Misty had closed the gap to snag the gold in what can only be crowned as one of the greatest athletic achievements of all time. No, not Misty May-Treanor - I’m talking Misty the marble, member of team Hazers, who just crushed some Savage Speeders ass in Speed Skating at the 2018 Marble Olympics.
Anyway, without real sports in my life, here’s a few things I’ve been doing to fill that gap.
#1 - Having an existential crisis
I’m sure most people reading this have already had their very own existential crisis. They come in all flavors - crying, binge eating reese’s peanut butter eggs, marathoning Tiger King then feeling lost because you don’t know what you just watched. Regardless, all forms suck. But it’s gonna happen, even the most introverted person eventually gets fed up with scrolling Reddit and ordering Grubhub. My suggestion? Get it out of the way early so you can jump right into the rest of this list.
#2 - Simulated Madden
I get it, the NFL wouldn’t have been on anyway. With that being said, this is a great thing to do if you’re in mandatory quarantine, or if your only option of sport to watch is baseball in the summer.
What you’ll need is a TV and video game console, luckily for me—my boyfriend has multiple of both of these in his living room (boy stuff). Next, any copy of Madden will do the trick, the one we use has Antonio Brown on the cover (I’ve been told the one with Brett Farve works as well).
If you’ve ever played Madden, usually you play against a friend or the computer, but not us. By playing the neutral card, you can choose to play as neither—simulating a full-length NFL game that you can argue about, cheer for, and even wager on one side or the other. With a little imagination, you can call the game something like a “SuperBowl” and have a team like the “Cowboys” play in it (just an example).
#3 - Marble racing
Jelle’s Marble Runs is a magical experience. With hours upon hours of ball-tastic content, it definitely provides you with your ball-moving-on-screen fix. It would be absurd but the dudes that produce this really have it nailed. I mean come on—there’s even little marble crowd streakers who attempt to spoil the races, plus the commentary is delightful. And to top it off, all of the marble teams have their own cheer sections, merchandise and social media accounts. Over the top? Absolutely. Weirdly entertaining? Hell yeah.
#4 - Arguing with people on the internet about lists
When you think about great warriors, examples may come to mind such as the Spartans, Gladiators, or Mel Gibson in Braveheart. What many people forget about are our boys on the front lines, the protectors of our timelines and the supreme justices of what’s right and wrong—these are the people who argue about lists on the internet.
They’lll argue about anything, and I’m one of these people. For example, ESPN shocked us all the day I wrote this by having THE AUDACITY to just drop a list like this on the world.
To the untrained eye, this is a list of the schools that have pumped out the most “successful” NFL quarterbacks and running backs. To our modern day twitter Green Berets, this is a BATTLEGROUND. In just a few hours, there are thousands of comments from people who believe they’re correct arguing with other people who think they’re right and people who are confused how Vince Young carried Texas to #4.
#5 - Drink
Look at this super cool site I found on Tik Tok. You enter the ingredients you have in your house and BOOM cocktails you can make at home.
#6 - Do the locomotion
Nothing makes you appreciate being forced to sit on your couch more than exercising. Since I can’t watch sports, I’ve found pretending to be an athlete kind of helps. Meaning, I’m running everyday and that resembles about 12% of a real athlete’s training. I hype myself up for these runs by watching college football hype videos. It’s a little weird but it makes me want to run through a brick wall and do the worm.
But seriously, I miss sports.
Also, shoutout to my handsome super strong funny boyfriend for helping me write this.