How to Be a Respectable Quadruple-Bogey Golfer

​Do you suck at golf but like going golfing? Do these 6 things to get invited back. 

​Until recently, I was a quadruple-bogey golfer. Now I’m sitting somewhere between a double bogey and bogey golfer (not to brag). But believe me, I know what it’s like to suck at golf and still love golf. I know the pain of watching my drive splash into the water 75 yards in front of the tee box. Meanwhile, everyone else’s balls are soaring straight down the fairway. It’s a club-snapping, infuriating pain. Yet somehow, everyone once in a blue moon, I’ll sink a 20ft putt for par and suddenly I love golf again.

Here are the six tips on how to be invited to play golf despite sucking at golf:

​Watch where the other player’s balls land

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Listen, if you’re the guy who can find everyone’s balls (some people will never find them), you are an absolute hero. You’ll deserve to win a Noble Peace Prize for the relief and happiness you create. Besides the Patriots winning the Super Bowl, there is no worse feeling than losing a findable ball. BE THE HERO WE ALL NEED.

Exercise proper golf etiquette

No one likes the guy who keeps on yapping while another person is trying to drive the ball. No one likes the guy who doesn’t rake the bunker after taking a sandstorm bunker shot. No one likes the guy that walks in other’s putting lines. Don’t be ignorant. This isn’t Wii golf, this is real golf. Here’s a link if you need it.

That said, depending on how serious the round is and who you’re playing with, some rules can be skewed. Feel the vibe of the group and proceed with caution.

In the wise words of Bobby Jones, “There are two kinds of golf. There is golf—and there is tournament golf. They are not the same.”

Maintain pace of play

No one wants to see your 3-putt. Pick up the ball. You’ve already doubled par. Pick up the ball. Just because you suck doesn’t mean you have to slow down the people that don’t suck. If you lose your ball, give yourself two minutes to find it then give up. Play fast and no one will notice your score. 
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Give an A.1 Disc Jockey (DJ) performance

This is only if your group is cool and listens to music while swinging the sticks. When selecting music, pander to the audience. If you’re with a group of 45-year-old dads, play 80s rock hits. If you’re with a group of frat boys, play Mo Bamba on repeat and see if any of them notice that. If you’re with basic chicks, be Fergalicious. But, don’t play the music too loud. Play the music just loud enough that you can softly hear it from the golf cart when you’re on the tee box. 

Buy drinks for everyone

The person with the stocked free-for-all cooler is cool no matter the situation. If you don’t have a cooler, snag some brewskis for the squad at the clubhouse or drink cart.

​Also, I stumbled across this magnificent contraption while looking for pictures of golf drinking. I found the link.

​Be happy

The guy that breaks his clubs, screams F*** and mopes around after a bad shot is the worst. Yes, I know a bad shot is infuriating but only let it eat you up on the inside. On the outside, be funny and keep everyone else in a good mood. Don’t let them know your inner demands.

And that’s it! If you can do these 6 things, you will get invited back. I guarantee it.

Stay tuned.