​Welcome to the Chaos League. A fantasy football league with the most fun and the most infuriating rule set you’ll ever experience.  This league was designed with a single goal in mind, creating chaos. To add to the anarchy and get out of our comfort zone, we said screw you to Yahoo and ESPN and used an app called Sleeper (it has a super dope chat feature).

Don’t believe me when I say ~chaos~? These rules speak for themselves.

• No Bench Spots
• No Waiver Period (You can add/drop at any time with no Waiver Wire)
• One Defensive Flex Player (With their own crazy scoring methods)
• 40+ Yard TD Bonus = 0.69
• Pick Six Thrown = -4.2
• 0-9 Yard Reception Bonus = -1.69
• Missed PAT = -10
• FG Made 50+ Yards = 10
• 6 Teams
• 1 Point PPR (Obviously) 

To all my fantasy owner friends, feeling stressed out just reading those? My five competitors and I certainly did, too. Allow me to help wrap your head around this.

With ZERO bench spots and ZERO waiver period, if someone on your roster is injured, you are forced to make the decision whether to take 0 point production and keep your star player or drop his ass and live in fear of another team picking him up as soon as he’s healthy.

All of the sudden, your kicker is your best friend and your worst enemy. If he makes a 50+ yard field goal, you score 10 points. If he misses a PAT, you lose 10 points. Think about it, your team could be leading going into Monday night with only your kicker left to play and he could butcher a PAT and destroy all of your hopes, dreams, pride and dignity.
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With only six teams and 10 players per team, the rosters and waiver wires are STACKED. Here’s my team:

Here’s the WRs available on the waiver wire:

Here’s the RBs available on the waiver wire:

Here’s another team:

​Plus with only 6 teams, 10 players per team and 30 second draft slots, the draft only took 27 minutes.
 
There is another evil little rule that hurts all of these steroid-induced, jacked teams. Any reception for less than 10 yards is -1.69 points (nice). Your heard me, catching a quick screen or little old slant can be a DETRIMENT to your team. This puts major value on your typical go-route receivers. Screw Cole Beasley and Julian Edelman and hello D.K. Metcalf and Mike Evans.

A few personal dilemmas my team is facing:

Only two weeks in, I’m sure many fantasy owners are praying for Michael Thomas to get better sooner than later. He was my first-round pick, since he’s arguably the best at his position, and was diagnosed with a high-ankle sprain in week 1. Unfortunately, while others can keep him on their rosters, I was met with an emotional decision, whether or not I should drop my best player only four days into the season.

Alas, after questioning my own decision making, going as far as to ask Twitter, I decided to drop Michael Thomas and pick up Amari Cooper. The tragedy. Of course, I have all of my notifications from all of my apps set to alert me the moment he is healthy again (If anyone has an inside scoop, please let me know). Only problem is I know my competition has done the same.

I’m also coping with George Kittle’s injury. He’s been ruled out for week 2 with a knee injury. However, unlike Thomas, I have decided to eat the zero and keep him as my starter. This is because he will probably be back in week 3 and the discrepancy between the top 6 TEs and the rest is so big that any waiver TE’s contribution would be negligible.

This league has already made me scream a few times but I freaking love it. I absolutely recommend creating a chaos league with your buddies next season. I’ll be sure to keep y’all updated on Twitter on how the league is going (Follow me @GretaSwift888). Hopefully I haven’t managed to chuck my phone against the wall due to another injury or missed PAT.

Stay tuned. 

Jelle’s Marble Runs is a magical experience. With hours upon hours of ball-tastic content, it definitely provides you with your ball-moving-on-screen fix. It would be absurd but the dudes that produce this really have it nailed. I mean come on—there’s even little marble crowd streakers who attempt to spoil the races, plus the commentary is delightful. And to top it off, all of the marble teams have their own cheer sections, merchandise and social media accounts. Over the top? Absolutely. Weirdly entertaining? Hell yeah. ​

Nothing makes you appreciate being forced to sit on your couch more than exercising. Since I can’t watch sports, I’ve found pretending to be an athlete kind of helps. Meaning, I’m running everyday and that resembles about 12% of a real athlete’s training.  I hype myself up for these runs by watching college football hype videos. It’s a little weird but it makes me want to run through a brick wall and do the worm. ​

Of course, I love football because of the sick plays, clutch victories and heart-warming story lines. But I also love it because of the ridiculous crap that happens every single season. Seriously, the NFL has more drama than the Real Housewives of any city. This is where the majority of men who don’t like to admit their love for drama, get their fix.
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In 2019 alone, fans have been graced to witness everything for Big Ben’s massive beard to Gronk becoming an NFL analyst. I struggled to narrow down the field to just a few stories, but I did it. Here are the top 5 ridiculous NFL stories of 2019….so far.

Sam Darnold, the 2nd year QB of the New York Jets, does not kiss and tell. BUT, his immune system certainly does. Shortly after Darnold posted a decent week 1 performance against the Bills, it was announced that he would be sidelined for 4 to 6 weeks due to mononucleosis.
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Naturally, this turned into a massive meme and the above nationally-televised graphic did not help. The internet and his teammates roasted him, saying it was a “sick joke”. Darnold explained that he even thought it was a joke when head coach, Adam Gase, broke the news to him.

After not playing for a month, Darnold did return for week 6 against the Cowboys and lit the boys UP. However, after that game, the Jets remembered that they don’t know how to play football and were blown out by the Pats in week 7. Currently, the Jets stand at 5-9.

It doesn’t sound like Darnold is trying to be careful though. After the Jet’s week 12 win against the Raiders, Darnold went out to the club with his team to celebrate and was spotted making out with a chick. Sources claim he had a little too much to drink, but hey good for Sam for having some fun.

The only reason this is at #4 and not ranked higher is because the Patriots have been cheaters and are still cheaters. This scandal is not a shock. I personally found the Orchids of Asia scandal way more entertaining.

But anyway, the Patriots were caught taping the Bengals sideline during the week 14 Bengals vs. Browns game. The Patriots claimed that they were filming for a “Do Your Job” documentary feature that followed the day-to-day work of their advanced scouting department. The team stated that the Browns were aware of the filming (not the Bengals) and that the filming of the sideline was an “unintended oversight”. The independent contractor behind the filming has since been suspended by the team. The Patriots were scheduled to play the Bengals in week 16, two weeks after the filming.

Of course, the footage has now been shared with the Bengals, the NFL and most recently, the public. The video is ambiguous but its purpose of filming the play-calling seems pretty clear. Major sanctions are not expected to be imposed on the team. Goodell does claim he and the NFL are thoroughly investigating the matter. Whatever that means.

It looks like the Patriots will live on to cheat again. It is also to be noted that the Bengals appeared to put up a fight against the Patriots during their Week 16 match up by trailing at the half only 13-10. However, the Patriots blew them out in the second half with a final score of 34-13. My theory is that Bill had to make the game look close at first to throw the investigators off the scent.

I have good news for Jags, Panthers, Bengals, and Lions fan, you have something to blame your crappy seasons on. On Monday, November 4th, 2019, during week 10 of the NFL season, possibly one of the greatest football plays occurred. This black cat ran onto the field of Metlife stadium during the Cowboys vs. Giants game and ran 50 yards for a touchdown. The internet exploded. I jumped for joy. No one knew where the black cat came from, no one knew where the cat went and everyone wanted to adopt the cat.

We are all superstitious though and knew that a black cat crossing your path is bad news. We just didn’t know how this bad omen would come to fruition. It turns out the teams of Metlife and the Cowboys are safe, the cat teams of the NFL are not. As of week 16 of the NFL season, 6 weeks after the incident, cat teams have posted a combined record of 2-21. MEOW. It took until December 2nd for the Bengals to win their first game of the season.

Not that any of these teams were that good to begin with, but at least y’all have something to blame it on. No need to fire your entire organization just yet (firing Ron Rivera was a bad move).

Meow. Also, I think the Jets are looking to sign this cat. Meow.

When Myles Garrett was drafted first overall in the 2017 draft, the main thing that stood out about him, besides his monstrous defensive plays, was his quirky and even-tempered personality. The man loves researching dinosaurs, watching anime, and writing poetry. I loved the man because he was the first person to [handsomely] donate to Texas A&M’s BTHOharvey. He was the darling of Texas A&M during his time there and up until November 14th, 2019, he was beloved by the NFL.

During the final seconds of the week 11 Browns vs. Steelers game, Steeler’s QB Mason Rudolph and Myles Garrett entered into a skirmish. The skirmish quickly escalated into Myles ripping Mason’s helmet off and hitting him over the head with it (Video Link). At that moment Ndamukong Suh’s stomping controversy was dwarfed by Myles’ helmet smashing.

In response, the NFL proclaimed that Garrett “violated unnecessary roughness and unsportsmanlike conduct rules, as well as fighting and removing an opponent’s helmet and using it as a weapon.” He was fined and suspended indefinitely, but he probably will play again next season.

In the days that followed, Garrett claimed that his attack on Rudolph was provoked by Rudolph saying a racial slur during the play. However, this could not be proven.

The internet has gone wild and is definitely taking sides. Those in-favor of Myles say that the act was out-of-character, Mason did say a racial slur, and Mason is a dick anyway. Those in favor of Mason exclaim that this wasn’t Myles’ first offense this season. Before the fight, Myles had racked up of $50,000 in fines for punching Tennessee TE Delanie Walker and two late hits on New York Jets QB Trevor Siemian. However, everyone agrees that the helmet smash was at least a tad excessive and should have never happened.

Not only was Antonio Brown the most searched athlete of 2019, but he was also the 5th most search thing – period. AB was a story line MACHINE. It literally felt like a movie that released new scenes every other day. Fortunately and unfortunately for us, AB provided commentary for this movie on the one place he shouldn’t have, Twitter.

It all started when he said peace out to the Steelers and called everyone assholes…

​Then he joined the Raiders and has an absolute hissy fit over his helmet. Due to his hissy fit and so much more, the dude demanded to be released. But the Raiders were like screw you and tried to keep him. So AB had a full-out tantrum, got in a fight and was finally cut. Nice.  

​… Alrighty then. After a brief intermission and a lot of publicity, Bill Belichick swooped up AB – an evil and risky move. Somehow, AB didn’t tweet once while he was on the Pats. But then, he was accused of sexual assault and his one-game stint with the overlords came to a close.

​After getting kicked to the curb by the Pats, all teams basically agreed to shun him – deservingly so. In his time off since AB has done a lot of things like telling the XFL to eff off.

And even the NFL. 

​And he went back to college.

And he just kept on tweeting, 

​So, when I said his life is an actual movie, I wasn’t kidding. He even thinks so!

Don’t you worry AB, I’m staying Tuned. 

Also, shout out to my fellow tweeters.

Full List of majors sorted from most to least regular season TDs (NFL 2019)
Lamar Jackson (43 TDs) – Undecided
Russell Wilson (34 TDs) – Communication
Jameis Winston (34 TDs) – Social Science
Deshaun Watson (33 TDs) – Communication
Dak Prescott (33 TDs) – Education Psychology
Josh Allen (29 TDs) – Social Science
Drew Brees (28 TDs) – Industrial Management & Manufacturing
Jimmy Garoppolo (28 TDs) – Management
Patrick Mahomes (28 TDs) – Marketing
Carson Wentz (28 TDs) – Health & Physical Education
Matt Ryan (27 TDs) – Communication
Tom Brady (27 TDs) – General Studies (with emphasis in psychology and business)
Kirk Cousins (27 TDs) - Kinesiology
Aaron Rodgers (27 TDs) – American Studies
Ryan Tannehill (26 TDs) - Biology
Daniel Jones (26 TDs) - Economics
Baker Mayfield (25 TDs) – Communication
Kyler Murray (24 TDs) – Human Relations
Jared Goff (24 TDs) - Sociology
Ryan Fitzpatrick (24 TDs) - Economics
Philip Rivers (23 TDs) – Business Management
Derek Carr (23 TDs) – Recreation Administration and Leisure Services Management
Jacoby Brissett (22 TDs) - Communication
Gardner Minshew II (21 TDs) – Communication
Sam Darnold (21 TDs) - Communication
Andy Dalton (20 TDs) - Marketing
Kyle Allen (19 TDs) – Retail Consumer Science
Matthew Stafford (19 TDs) – Speech Communication
Mitchell Trubisky (19 TDs) – Exercise and Sport Science
Mason Rudolph (13 TDs) - Marketing
Case Keenum (12 TDs) – Business Administration
Teddy Bridgewater (9 TDs) – Sport Administration
Dwayne Haskins Jr. (7 TDs) - Journalism
Marcus Mariota (7 TDs) – General Science
Drew Lock (7 TDs) – Parks, Recreation and Tourism
Eli Manning (6 TDs) - Marketing
Joe Flacco (6 TDs) – Accounting
Devlin Hodges (5 TDs) – Sport Administration
Jeff Driskel (5 TDs) – Sport Management
Matt Moore (4 TDs) – Speech Communication
David Blough (4 TDs) – Organizational Leadership
Brian Hoyer (4 TDs) – Interdisciplinary Studies in Social Science – Community Relations
Chase Daniel (3 TDs) – Finance
Nick Foles (3 TDs) - Communication
Matt Schaub (3 TDs) - Economics
Brandon Allen (3 TDs) – Recreation and Sport Management
Ryan Finley (2 TDs) - Psychology
Mike Glennon (1 TD) - Business
Taysom Hill (1 TD) - Finance
AJ McCarron (1 TD) – Health Studies
Josh Rosen (1 TD) - Economics
Robert Griffin III (1 TD) – Political Science

We’ve all been barked at about how eating well and exercising regularly are the two major keys to living a healthy lifestyle. I have a couple of problems with this. First, healthy eating and regular exercise are good for you, but both of those things are so broad. If a person is looking to be healthier, where do you even begin? Second, it is impossible to eat perfectly healthy and exercise every day without fail. People slip up.

In some of my previous articles, I’ve talked about how lifestyle renovation doesn’t happen overnight. Instead, it requires incremental changes. Making changes to the little things you do every day will eventually lead to a healthier you. This article is dedicated to those little changes. 
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By understanding the positive ripple effect created by these little changes, we can better motivate ourselves to stick to a healthier lifestyle. No more fads! Below I’ve provided six tips that are backed by research. There is plenty more, but these are a good start. 

Sources
Coffee
Gunnars, K. (2018, September 20). 13 Health Benefits of Coffee, Based on Science. Retrieved from https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/top-13-evidence-based-health-benefits-of-coffee.
Health benefits of black coffee - Times of India. (2018, December 6). Retrieved from https://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/life-style/health-fitness/diet/health-benefits-of-black-coffee/articleshow/59397465.cms.
Alcohol
Khatri, M. (2019, March 29). 12 Things That Happen When You Quit Drinking. Retrieved from https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/addiction/ss/slideshow-quit-alcohol-effects.
Stretching
Fetters, K. A. (2017, March 31). 11 Seriously Awesome Benefits of Stretching. Retrieved from https://www.fitnessmagazine.com/workout/stretch/benefits-of-stretching/?page=3.
Top 10 Benefits of Stretching. (2014, October 7). Retrieved from https://www.acefitness.org/education-and-resources/lifestyle/blog/5107/top-10-benefits-of-stretching.
Exercise
Exercise and mental health. (2017, October). Retrieved from https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/exercise-and-mental-health.
Robinson, L. (2019, November 13). The Mental Health Benefits of Exercise. Retrieved from https://www.helpguide.org/articles/healthy-living/the-mental-health-benefits-of-exercise.htm.
Sleep
Leech, J. (2018, July 29). 10 Reasons Why Good Sleep Is Important. Retrieved from https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/10-reasons-why-good-sleep-is-important.
Nazario, B. (2019, June 18). 7 Surprising Health Benefits to Getting More Sleep. Retrieved from https://www.webmd.com/sleep-disorders/benefits-sleep-more#2.
Posture
Jonaitis, J. (2018, September 18). These 12 Exercises Will Help You Reap the Health Benefits of Good Posture. Retrieved from https://www.healthline.com/health/fitness-exercise/posture-benefits#11.

​Over the past year, I’ve been working as a group fitness instructor. My approach to teaching is to emphasize your health, not your appearance. The Kylie Jenner body is simply not achievable unless you have a butt-load of cash.

​Often, my clients ask for advice on how to lose weight, get in shape, win a race, and so on. I always respond by saying the person needs to start living a healthy lifestyle. And believe me, I am not the healthiest person in the world. I love drinking beer, hitting McDonald's, and putting a ton of sugary crap in my coffee. But, I’ve learned to listen to my body and it has paid off.

I know the following tips have worked for over a hundred (yes, I said hundred) people that I’ve worked with. So here are a few pieces of advice for achieving your health goals:

1. Diet renovation doesn't happen overnight
Meaning, don't go cold turkey on everything crappy about your diet right away. Take baby steps - cut out soda, switch to black coffee, only order the burger and not fries, pick healthier restaurants. My current favorite tip is to cut out snacking after 9pm. Over time, the changes will add up and you'll have a newer healthier diet! Also, don't diet, adjust your current diet permanently - so no fad diets or cleanses.

2. Understand that you feel as well as you eat
If you eat donuts in the morning, you’ll feel sluggish for the rest of the day. If you have eggs and a slice of toast in the morning, you’ll have ample energy for the rest of the day. My point is what you eat will not only have an impact on your body physically but also mentally.

3. Don’t do too much too fast when starting an exercise routine
If you dive into the deep end, you'll burn yourself out. Start with lights weights with weightlifting. Start with a run-walk workout with running. By doing too much too fast, you'll come to resent the workouts instead of embracing them. And you put yourself at a higher risk of the initial injury

4. Binge Drinking Adds Up
Drinking beers or mixed drinks or seltzers (claws up) or any alcoholic drink adds up. It’s a sad truth. And when you drink a lot, that lovely hangover will impact your next-day performance. Cutting down on alcohol intake or switching to a lighter calorie option will make a difference.

5. Train for performance, not appearance
Training for appearance can be demotivating since progress is slower than performance training. If you train for performance, the appearance will eventually come with it.

6. Find a niche community that will support you
Whether it's OCR, Crossfit, yoga, cycling, running, triathlon, swimming, sports - find a group who does it, too! That community will serve as motivation to keep going, build friendships, and give you people to embrace the suck of a hard workout with. Plus going out to eat with them afterward is awesome.

7. Remember, no one is perfect
You will slip up and have a cheat meal (or day). You will skip a workout at some point. The important thing is to not dwell on your setback and keep moving forward.

8. And it's okay to have a cheat meal
Just make your cheat meals consist of your favorite foods! Don't eat a cake that you kind of like - make it worth it so you don't feel the impulse to do it again. And try not to have your cheat meal on the same day as your workout off day.

9. Water is your best friend
It helps with everything: controlling cravings, feeling rested, maximizing workouts, boosting your immune system, preventing injury, etc.

10. If you're sick, take an off day
Working out when you're sick will make you sicker for longer.

11. Wear proper equipment
For running and OCR, sneakers are everything. Getting fitted at a reliable shoe store will help prevent you from injuries and maximize your performance.

12. Know your limits
You want to push the limit, not go screaming past it. It's okay to push them for a new PR, but if you're not feeling 100% and you decide to go for a new squat 1rm - is that really a good idea? Or is two hours of speed training really necessary when you have a sore calf? Sometimes it's better to work smarter, not harder.

13. It's a slow, but rewarding process
Be patient and persistent and you'll become badass.

My advice on this topic is endless and if you ever need help, don't be afraid to reach out.

Y'all rock. Stay tuned.

The title of Quarterback University (QBU) is the most irrelevant debate of football. It doesn’t matter, but people will still compare. The title of QBU was conjured by sportswriters long ago so they would have something to gab about when during the off-season. It means which university has produced the most ~noteworthy~ NFL quarterbacks.

Over the past few days, I’ve taken a deep internet dive, analyzed some data points and came up with my own ranking.

I wanted to figure out which school is the CURRENT QBU. Historical QBUs are already established (Stanford, that Mormon school in Utah, Purdue, Maryland). Yet, the title of the millennials’ QBU is still up for grabs.

If you don’t care about the nitty-gritty info, skip the next two paragraphs.

So I used the end of season depth charts for the 2015 to 2018 seasons and the current depth chart for the 2019 season. For each team, I recorded all their quarterbacks, their QB statuses (QB1, QB2,..) and where they went to college. All-in-all I had 187 quarterbacks from 104 schools.

To rank the schools, I first used how many total quarterbacks they produced. Then I ranked the schools with more noteworthy dudes (QB1s). The determination of QB1 status is if he was named the starting QB for an NFL team at the beginning of any given season.
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And that’s how I got the top ten schools. Before I posted my results, I asked (my very biased) twitter followers who they thought QBU was. Can you guess which school the majority of my followers went to?

I know I shouldn’t have included the Ags in the poll. But maybe some people truthfully believed the combined powers of Johnny Football and Ryan ‘What team does he even play for now?’ Tannehill would carry the Ags to winning at least one title.
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Unfortunately for my followers, they were wrong. So without further adieu…

With the help of Sam Darnold, Matt Barkley, Cody Kessler, Mark Sanchez, Carson Palmer, Matt Cassel, and Max Wittex (who?) USC won the big dick contest. The Trojans didn’t use Trojans and multiplied QBs. I gotta say though, that list of names, besides Palmer, didn’t blow my mind.

For all you Aggies reading this, the Ags came in at a very red-ass #12.

Let us all be thankful to not see overrated Texas (horns down) anywhere on this list. And it was nice to not see Bama and Clemson on a top ten list either.

Who I was happy to see was #2 Oklahoma. Repping for Sooners was Baker Mayfield, Kyler Murray, Sam Bradford, and Landry Jones. With Jalen Hurts as the new starter, maybe Oklahoma can add another QB1 to the list in a few years.  
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And that’s the tea. For an added bonus, since I had all the colleges, I also made this:

Is the ACC the conference of the future????

Stay tuned.
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References: https://www.pro-football-reference.com/
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​Do you suck at golf but like going golfing? Do these 6 things to get invited back. 

​Until recently, I was a quadruple-bogey golfer. Now I’m sitting somewhere between a double bogey and bogey golfer (not to brag). But believe me, I know what it’s like to suck at golf and still love golf. I know the pain of watching my drive splash into the water 75 yards in front of the tee box. Meanwhile, everyone else’s balls are soaring straight down the fairway. It’s a club-snapping, infuriating pain. Yet somehow, everyone once in a blue moon, I’ll sink a 20ft putt for par and suddenly I love golf again.

Here are the six tips on how to be invited to play golf despite sucking at golf:

​Watch where the other player’s balls land

Listen, if you’re the guy who can find everyone’s balls (some people will never find them), you are an absolute hero. You’ll deserve to win a Noble Peace Prize for the relief and happiness you create. Besides the Patriots winning the Super Bowl, there is no worse feeling than losing a findable ball. BE THE HERO WE ALL NEED.

Exercise proper golf etiquette

No one likes the guy who keeps on yapping while another person is trying to drive the ball. No one likes the guy who doesn’t rake the bunker after taking a sandstorm bunker shot. No one likes the guy that walks in other’s putting lines. Don’t be ignorant. This isn’t Wii golf, this is real golf. Here’s a link if you need it.

That said, depending on how serious the round is and who you’re playing with, some rules can be skewed. Feel the vibe of the group and proceed with caution.

In the wise words of Bobby Jones, “There are two kinds of golf. There is golf—and there is tournament golf. They are not the same.”

Maintain pace of play

No one wants to see your 3-putt. Pick up the ball. You’ve already doubled par. Pick up the ball. Just because you suck doesn’t mean you have to slow down the people that don’t suck. If you lose your ball, give yourself two minutes to find it then give up. Play fast and no one will notice your score. 
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Give an A.1 Disc Jockey (DJ) performance

This is only if your group is cool and listens to music while swinging the sticks. When selecting music, pander to the audience. If you’re with a group of 45-year-old dads, play 80s rock hits. If you’re with a group of frat boys, play Mo Bamba on repeat and see if any of them notice that. If you’re with basic chicks, be Fergalicious. But, don’t play the music too loud. Play the music just loud enough that you can softly hear it from the golf cart when you’re on the tee box. 

Buy drinks for everyone

The person with the stocked free-for-all cooler is cool no matter the situation. If you don’t have a cooler, snag some brewskis for the squad at the clubhouse or drink cart.

​Also, I stumbled across this magnificent contraption while looking for pictures of golf drinking. I found the link.

​Be happy

The guy that breaks his clubs, screams F*** and mopes around after a bad shot is the worst. Yes, I know a bad shot is infuriating but only let it eat you up on the inside. On the outside, be funny and keep everyone else in a good mood. Don’t let them know your inner demands.

And that’s it! If you can do these 6 things, you will get invited back. I guarantee it.

Stay tuned. 

To all the ladies who are first-time fantasy footballers, welcome! This article is for you. Also, to the guy who convinced his girlfriend to play so the league has an even number of teams, this is for you to send to her. By the time you’re done skimming this, you’ll have taken enough away to create a respectable fantasy team. You’ll be able to win more games than you lose. And you’ll be able to beat the dudes who have discounted your ability to crush their souls because you’re a chick. You’re a queen and you deserve to take the throne.
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​I know your fantasies probably don’t involve football, but winning is fun. And some of these leagues are for money and money is dope. So let’s fn go.

I have a secret for you. It’s a secret no one talks about. It’s the secret that will ensure your league dominance.

YOU DON’T HAVE TO KNOW ABOUT FOOTBALL TO WIN IN FANTASY FOOTBALL.
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Seriously you don’t. You just have to follow this guide. Or do what this girl’s mom did:

I want to simplify the game by only focusing on the important choices you have to make this season. And not focus on the complex choices that you don’t have to make. This guide is broke down into 5 sections: the basics (roster, schedule, scoring), the draft, regular season, postseason, and advice. Refer to these sections as you go about your season.
​
The Basics 

Fantasy football is on many platforms. Each platform has varying sets of game play and rules. It’s like a dating reality show. Each show has its people and relationships, but all the shows have the same purpose. And that purpose is to capitalize on other people’s drama. For simplicity, we will use the Bachelor of fantasy football platforms, ESPN. ESPN is one of the most popular platforms and its rules and regulations are like most other platforms. So if you’re using any other platform, you can still use this guide.

Each league has anywhere between 8 to 16 teams. Each participant is classified as the ‘owner’ of his/her team. The league is ran by a commissioner. The commissioner is usually the try-hard of the group. Stay on his/her good side – it will help you.

You will be prompted to make a fantasy account with ESPN when the league’s commissioner sends you the link. Create the account and look around the website to get a lay of the land.
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The Roster
To begin, you’ll have to draft a team (See ‘The Draft’). Your team has 16 players. These players are not from the same NFL team. They’re just whoever you pick from the league.
Of those 16 players, 9 will “start” and 7 will be “benched”. The players that are starting will get points for your team. The 7 that warm the bench will not get points for your team. Each week you can switch (or choose not to switch) which players are starting and on the bench.
 
Of the starting players, you will have 1 quarterback (QB), 2 wide receivers (WRs), 2 running backs (RBs), 1 tight end (TE), 1 flex (WR or RB), 1 defense (D) and 1 kicker (K). Don’t worry about the differences between the positions. It doesn't matter because the only thing that does matter is which player will score the most points. Don't let anyone else fool you.

When you are picking your players during the draft, your league will limit the number of players you can draft per position. For example, most leagues only allow an owner (you) to draft 2 QBs. Of those 2 QBs, you will only be able to start 1 of them. The goal is for your team to emulate a “mini” version of a real team. Mini because your team will have 16 people, while a real team will have 53. S'cute. 
​
The Schedule
Each week you will go head-to-head against one other player’s team. The team that wins is the team that has the most points (each player contributes to the sum). The regular season will usually go for 12-14 weeks with one game per week. The playoffs occur between the 13th-16th weeks of the season.

Your position in the league’s rankings can change depending on how many wins you have compared to the other teams. The more wins you have, the better you’re ranked. Pretty straight forward.

You may play each team in the league once to twice, the schedules are random.

Score
As stated above, only your starting 9 players can accumulate points for your team. Anyone on the bench, nada. Too bad, so sad if one of your benched players outscores your starting players.

Okay so as far as scoring goes, it is complicated.  Each position accumulates points differently. For example, your kicker will receive points for making field goals. Meanwhile, your quarterback will receive points for throwing touchdown passes. 
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Since it’s complicated, let’s say screw it and rely on projections. Projections will be your savior. ESPN, along with most other fantasy platforms, will provide you with point projections for each of your players. When you’re deciding which players to start, select the player with the most projected points for that position slot.

If anyone ever questions your decisions, insult them about something unrelated. Sportsmanship at its finest. 
 
WARNING: These projections are not always accurate. This a good thing and a bad thing. Good thing because sometimes your players can delight you and exceed the projection. Meanwhile, sometimes your players will pull a hammy in the first quarter of the game and score below the projection. This scenario sucks and you may throw your phone at a wall. But generally, the projections are reliable.

​The Draft
The draft is the biggest time suck and I’m sorry in advance for this. This is also when the other league owners will attempt to ‘shit talk’ you for your lack of experience and you have to tell them to royally eff off.

The draft will happen at a set date and time. Usually, it takes about two hours. A lot of leagues have draft parties a.k.a. an excuse to drink. Not to worry, if you don’t feel like dealing with other people then you can draft remotely from your phone or computer. You only need an internet connection. You can still drink if you want though.

If you're good at shit talking, make sure to take personal jabs at your competition.

Most drafts are snake drafts. No, there’s no real snakes or Taylor Swifts involved with this. A snake draft is when each team takes turns picking a player for their team in a particular order. Once everyone has picked once, the order will reverse for the second round. And then it will reverse again for the third round (same order as the first round).

​There are 16 rounds this will go on for and each person will have roughly 90 seconds to make each pick. For example for an 8 team league, the order will go: 1st Round - [1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8], 2nd Round – [8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1], 3rd Round – [1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8]...and so on and so forth. It’s simpler than it seems I promise.

Okay, now it’s your turn to pick a player for your team. You have 90 seconds until a player is auto-drafted for you (keeping it short, like your man). Like the player projections, the draft has a magical feature of player rankings. There will be a list of the best available players for you to pick from. Just use that as you fill out each position slot. 

Like a friend group, some people are more important to you than others. The people that are important to you in the draft are (in this order) the RB, the WR, the QB and sometimes the TE. The people that you can’t give too many flying Fs about are the D and the K. You show you don’t care about these people by waiting to draft them in the 10th+ round.
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Here are my five tips for drafting your fantasy team:

ATTENTION IF YOU ARE LAZY: Auto draft is a BEAUTIFUL thing. Auto draft is when your team will default to draft the top available players. You don’t have to do a thing. You can also set up who you want to pick way ahead of time (given nobody picked the player). Auto draft is magnificent, but use it with caution. This is because sometimes you won’t draft the ~best team~. Most of the time, the auto draft will create the Victoria Justice of teams. Like it’s good, but you will be outshined by an Ariana Grande caliber team.

Naming Your Team
Naming your team is very important. It’s essentially an art form. It’s so important that I wrote an article about it.

Regular Season
Now that you’ve drafted a team and named it something dope, you’re ready to start playing. Having a team is like having a pet goldfish, it’s important to check on it and make sure it’s alive every few days. When you check on your fish team, you need to make sure of a few things:

• The players that are projected to score the most are the starting players
• None of your starting players are injured
• None of your starting players are on a bye week
• You’re not making an ass out of your self

To explain bye weeks a little more, in the NFL each team is allotted one week off during the season. Meaning, each of your players will have a week that they are not playing. These weeks aren’t usually the same unless your players come from the same team. Make sure your starting players aren’t on a bye week. I wish I got a bye week for my job. 

COMMON SCENARIO THAT YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF IN:
Your starting QB is out due to injury, your back up QB is on a bye week: what do you do?! THE WAIVER WIRE!

Since not all the players in the NFL are selected in your league, there will be a few QBs still in the open market. You can snag one of these QBs by dropping one of your current dudes and submitting a waiver (a claim) to QB that’s not on a bye week or injured. Once your waiver is processed, the new QB will be on your team and you can start him.

TWO DISCLAIMERS WITH THE WAIVER WIRE:

1. The player that you drop is now in the open market. He is not on your team anymore and any other team can grab him.
2. ~Sometimes~ your waiver claim for players will not be accepted. This is because of somebody with a better claim than you got him instead. A person can have a better claim because they suck more than your team. The more your team sucks, the higher your claim in the waiver system is. Sucking does have its benefits.

Post Season
Congrats! You survived the season and now your team is heading into the postseason. This is the piece that will vary the most by the league. Depending on what your league structure is, you’ll be doing one of three things:

1. Not going into playoffs because your team sucked and only the good teams made it
2. Going into playoffs because you followed this guide and you’re a freaking baller
3. Going into the loser’s bracket of playoffs to compete for being the best loser

Playoff games are treated the same as regular-season games. The only exception is sometimes playoff games will take place over a two-week duration, instead of one. This doubles your points.
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If you find yourself vying for a championship, you have to give me some credit. And if you win the championship, you have two options:

1. End your fantasy football career on a high and never play again (I don’t respect you if you do this)
2. Return to the league next season and defend your championship because you are a BALLER

Final Advice
And that’s it. That’s the tea. Fantasy football is a blast and it’s even more fun when you win. But, you have to try to win. Before you go on your merry way onto fantasy football land dominance, here’s my final advice.

• Use rankings for drafting and projections for player selection
• As long as you check on your team at least once a week, you won’t come in last

• Unless you know what you’re doing, don’t engage in trades. Other owners will try to take advantage of your rookie knowledge

• Your team name is important
• Be nice to your commissioner (unless that person is a dick)
• Money leagues create great incentive for maintaining your team
• Be clever and deliberate with your shit talking
• Drafting based on who has the best butt is encouraged
• Remember, just because you’re a rookie doesn’t mean you can’t win your league
• And if you win your league, give me some credit

​Good luck and may the force be with you!

Having a good fantasy team name will gain you the respect of your peers. Having the respect of your peers will skyrocket your team’s chances of winning. I can’t prove this but from years of fantasy experience, I know it to be true. Don’t doubt me.
The purpose of this little article is to provide tips for naming your fantasy football team. From proper grammar to inappropriate player puns, these tips address everything you need to know.
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1. Be unique
This is the most important tip. There are so many overused names that I’ve seen over the years. I bet you every league this year will have at least one team named in honor of Robert Kraft’s ‘Orchids of Asia’ or ‘Drops of Jupiter, Florida’. Get out of here. Or let’s take a glance back to a few years ago when every league had a team named ‘Tom Brady’s Deflated Balls’. Hahahahahaha NO. You’re not funny. It’s funny the first time and then it’s not funny anymore. So I beg you to BE UNIQUE. 

2. Be funny
This one is for the people who name their team after their favorite team (likely a Pats fan). To the people who call themselves the ‘Dream Crushers’ or the ‘Dallas Cowgirls’. Or god forbid the team who leaves it as ‘Team [Insert Last Name]’. That last one just hurts my feelings. The point is that teams with boring names lose. Have a sense of humor. 

3. Player puns are dope​
But only if it’s done right. About the first tip, ‘Dez Nuts’ is an overused name. Yet, ‘The Stafford Infection’ makes me laugh every time. At the end of this article, I’ve included a list of these pun names for reference.
Also if you’re struggling, just name your team ‘Ha Ha Clinton-Dix’. No pun needed. His name is amazing and I want to thank his parents. 

WARNING: Do not jump the gun on a player pun name before you’ve drafted. Chances are someone will steal the player just to spite you. I am a victim of this. RIP ‘Fournetteflix and Chill’. Wait until after you have drafted to name your team.

4. Doesn’t have to be about football
‘Scott’s Tots’, [insert friend’s name] Mom’s Bed’, ‘The White Claws’ are all acceptable names. This is a magnificent opportunity to take shots at your fellow opponents. Nothing is off-limits. 

5. Make sure at least half of the owners will get the reference
​Inside jokes are only cool if half of the owners get the reference. For example, ‘Baker of Chains’ is only acceptable if half the league has watched Game of Thrones. The same goes for ‘House Tyrell’, ‘Crows before Hoes’, and ‘Skip Baelish’.
Besides, you need to make sure the reference is still relevant at the end of the season. Harambe memes will never die but ‘Old Town Road’ will be a meme of the past come December 2019.  

6. Use proper punctuation
Use the apostrophe.

7. Know your audience
If you’re playing in your work league, maybe ‘2 Gurley’s 1 Cup’ is not the best choice. If you’re playing in a family league, maybe ‘Kareem MILF Hunter’ is not the best choice. If you’re playing in a church league, maybe ‘Golden Taint’ is not the best choice. You get the picture. Save those names for leagues with your buddies. Instead, try using ‘Teddy Throwsevelt’, ‘Rollin’ with Mahomies’ (personal favorite), or ‘Calamari Cooper’.

Other Tips

• Keep your name short unless you’re trying for it to be ironically long
• Don’t use your own name in your team’s name
• Don’t call yourself the 2018 champion…unless you aren’t

Honorable Mentions
Multiple Scoregasms
Chubby Chasers
The Gurley Gates
Goff Balls
Hot Chubb Time Machine
Bend it Like Beckham
Belichick Yourself Before You Rex Yourself
Romosexual
Old McDonald Had a Stiff Arm
Area 51
Mahomes and Watson
Golden Tate Showers
Hit me with your Prescott
Baking Bad
San Francisco 69ers
Globo Gym Purple Cobras
Good Will Punting
Prestige Worldwide
JuJu Tang Clan
Chillin’ at the Golladay Inn